Saturday, March 24, 2012

Monster Called Jealousy

Few days ago a couple (who happen to be friends) approached us, we could sense that the purpose of the visit was more then what met the eye. After the hours of discussion about all the topics in the world, they came to the real reason of their visit.

They’d been having problems in their relationship, to be honest I was feeling good that they had chosen me and my better half to share something so intimate and they could trust and confide in us, but somewhere within I was feeling sad about the whole fact that such a thing could happen with them after so many years of marriage (happy marriage I would say, for them as a couple they were.) His wife  lately has been spending  time with me and the other ladies but I could never sense that there was something really wrong... rather so much wrong.!!!! 

The husband was fearful that his wife was having an affair.

He looked dreadful, tired and overwrought; he displayed to me all the classic signs of a guy who was being eaten up from inside out. His desperation and jealousy was not only making him sick and sad, it was driving her further and further away too! His lack of trust in her was not only insulting but was eroding anything good they’d ever had…..

Here they were at my place, to seek some help and try to get out of the mess they were in, and here we were understanding that there was an obvious problem at hand, but not having a clue in the head as to what we were going to do!!! (Not being professional marriage counselors!!). Hearing them with all the attention, we could derive that all the cause was from a seed called jealousy and nothing more ....

We did our best, which we thought was right at that point of time. Rest we left to them as being mature individuals they would be able to sort out …..And I am sure they will…….

They definitely stayed on my mind the whole night , I thought letting your jealousy show is a fail safe way to lose your dignity ,dismantle your self esteem and frankly , ruin your life !!!!. Nothing can ruin relationships (especially marriage) faster than jealousy.

I am sure; no one thinks straight and clearly when they are jealous. It creates nothing more then anxiety, anger, hate and fear. The end result transforming them from lover supporter, to enemy…..

When you’re jealous you assume the worst. If the spouse is going out with their boss he/she is having an affair (why it can’t be just a simple lunch?).

He / she is not answering the phone that leaves the person thinking that the spouse is with someone else and does not want to take your phone (may be the person is in the supermarket carrying loads of groceries / or simply have left the phone on the desk and is somewhere else!!!)

 Wow, we sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes, isn’t it?

I believe such situations in relationship arises when for some reason you don’t feel easy to communicate openly and easily anymore , means something has changed……

Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulating their power by withholding things out of anger, hurt or may be plain thoughtlessness.

Whatever the situations, what it creates is communication “black holes “, easily filled with fury and fantasy.

Best way to handle the awful feelings of jealousy is you need to communicate, stop assuming the worst and ask, open the lines.

Stop looking thirsty for assurance. How on the earth can we can respect each other if you don’t respect yourself enough to control your fears and paranoia?

Most important of all , is to remind each other why are we together in the first place, and understand that a relationship is only worth keeping alive if u can trust each other.

And remember, jealousy is demeaning and embarrassing. It is a sign of weakness and fear.

In the end the fastest way to kill the monster has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with you. 

When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has no choice but to pack its bags, and leave town!

1 comment:

SK said...

I fully agree with your view. To fuel the fire "miscommunication" and worst "NO communication" plays the killer role. The trust factor dwindles and hatred takes over and begins the war of roses. If this is not controlled, it will destroy the full rose garden built over the years by holding hands and treading over thorns, ensuring no one is hurt. When time came to enjoy the flowers, the spouses use the thorns, they had saved each other from, to destroy each other and that’s all because of jealousy ruling the mind over heart.
But if the couple is matured and sincerely loves each other they will brave the storm and ensure that the thorns they have hurled at each other are removed and bruises healed as they go forward holding hands and nurturing their relationship and forget the worst stretch they left behind which could have been avoided if one spouse was not Jealous and other one had communicated.