Thursday, March 1, 2012

Fear of Losing .......

Today while having a general conversation among friends (rather ridiculous ones!!), we moved on to the topic which I fear the most to discuss.

I have this feeling, the thing I don’t want to think about or I don’t allow myself too. I have this whisperings inside, “What if all the people I love and care are gone? What would I do?
There is nothing that scares me more than losing people I love and care about. (I know it’s kind of freaky).

Next month is my dad’s 17th death anniversary. I miss all the goodness about my dad, his simplicity, his sense of humor, fighting spirits, laughter, joy, and hard work ethics and doing best with what he had in his life. Some umbrella of protectiveness shut with his loss. It was hard to pick up the pieces of the shattered heart and it took years to get to the point where I felt stable footing again. I missed that feeling of security that having a father allow you, whatever age you reach in life... I so envied those who had that. (Truth be told, I still do!!!! ).

And about 6 years ago I lost my uncle, who I was so close to after my father’s death. His death showed me, anyone can be taken away from you when you least expect it .I can’t seem to let go of him either. His death effected me differently and became a sad abstract experience for me living far away (The biggest disadvantage of living out of your country can’t reach in time when you want too!!!!!).

What remained with me is the fragrance of his hair cream and perfumes which made a fantastic combo, and coupled with the smell of cigarette smoke to his clothes. His scent was a signature, which I will never forget!

When you lose someone whom you hold most dear, you don’t lose them all at one. You lose them in pieces over time. Their thoughts aren’t what you can immediately wipe away.

It has been years, and knowing that when I will go home, I will never see my dad and uncle greet me at the door is devastating and does not seem fair. But who ever told us life was fair?
My loved ones are no longer with me on this earth, but I remember them in memories and moments now, looking back on things they taught me and things we shared.

I have lost people….

I have come very close to losing people…..

For some reason this is my biggest fear of not losing the ones I am left with…..
When I am separated from people I really love, I tend to think the worst. I am terrified, may be its anxiety... I just can’t handle loss very well. It’s the insecure part of me that worries and makes me out of control.

One is stunned when it happens; you slap and pinch yourself to wake-up from a horrible dream because you think it cannot happen. But it becomes clear that God had made other plans.

But somewhere I do know Life is short, and we don’t know how much time we have!!!! Life is unpredictable, it is here one second and gone the next. It’s important to cherish the moments with the loved ones, and enjoy the bonds. This helps me to see the things in different perspective, but not always.


I know we have to shed the tear, get back up and keep going without them.
I know that even though we love them deeply we can not make them stay…..
God breaks our hearts to prove us ....
He only takes the best…………..


A day in the life of a MOM said...

So emotional Shazneen..I know what you feel, Its like sometimes you hope nothing happens to you only because you don't want your kids to be motherless..(its kind of exactly the opposite of what u ve written, but i hope it makes sense)

Shazneen said...


Free Bird said...

Very touchy ... Very true or women v all go through the same ... So best is to live everymoment together with r loved 1s ...

Pari said...

So true Shazneen. I lost my mom and my masi, whom i looked upon as my pillar of support after mom's death, both within a span of 25 days.I can totally relate to this article.Life has to move on and its best to live every moment with love :).

Shazneen said...

Yes !! I believe they live with us !! We never lose them ..